


Straight Flush

by orphan_account



Category: Friends
Genre: M/M, Not in a bad way they're in love, forced to date
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-10 21:32:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3304193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Monica and Rachel have been taking poker classes, and manage to beat Chandler and Joey at their own game. When they can't pay up, the women come up with an alternate arrangement: To teach them a lesson about their objectification of lesbians, they have to date each other for two weeks, and kiss each other whenever they hear a set of code words. Will they manage to get through the two weeks? Will their friends understand? One thing's for sure: it'll change their entire relationship forever.<br/>(Yes. The title is a pun).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pretty short chapter, I'll try making the other chapters longer, and less dialogue-y. Think of it more as an epilogue. Now, don't be frightened of that big red stop symbol on the side; I'm not one to write one chapter of a story and leave it hanging for years. Expect Chapter 2 soon, and tell me how you like this one.

**Chapter 1**

                     “No! What? Fuck!” Joey and Chandler screeched at Monica’s hand. The woman smirked and high-fived Rachel. “This was a terrible idea,” Chandler grumbled to Joey. “This” was playing a poker rematch with the girls. Ross and Phoebe _had_ been invited, but the first had some sort of meeting, and the latter a date. Monica and Rachel, unbeknownst to everyone else, had been taking poker lessons, and in the first round successfully managed to win 10$ from Joey and Chandler each, promising to share the winnings with each other. The two men, being more than a little tipsy, had called for a rematch. And another. And another, until they each owed 100 big ones to the girls.

                    “I didn’t know they’d been taking classes!” Joey retorted. “C’mon! Mon, Rach!” He pleaded, turning to the smug women. “We can’t just give up 100$!”

                    “Each,” Rachel corrected.

                    “We’ll do anything!” Chandler gestured at Joey. “We’ll cook, we’ll clean, hell, we’ll be your wingmen! We can’t pay you!”

                    “Ok then, fine, give us a minute.” Monica waved Rachel over to the couch so that they could plot.

                    “I’m never doing anything with them again,” Chandler whined.

                    “No, _we_ should take classes.” Joey grinned and patted Chandler’s shoulder. “Eh? _Eh_?” Chandler pointed out that it was an all-female class, and the two argued over whether they could get in or not, when the plotters returned with shit-eating grins written all over their faces.

                    “Remember last week, when you tried to get me to make out with Lindsay?” Monica began, completely nonchalant.

                    “Or the week before that, me with Milan?” Rachel followed.

                    “Yeah,” the men glanced at each other uneasily.

                    “Well, we’ve decided to teach you a lesson about objectifying women. And lesbians.” Monica bit her lip to keep from laughing.  “So, for the next two weeks, you two are dating!” She smacked her hands on the table and let out snorting laughter.

                    “Oh, oh, oh!” Rachel added. “So, how it’s going to work is there’s a code word for kissing each other. When you hear the word ‘lamp’ you’ve got to kiss each other, but when you hear the word ‘antique’ you have to make out.”

                    “Tongue and everything,” Monica managed to get out past her chuckling. “And this includes any word containing the word lamp or antique in it. Like lampshade. Or antiquing.”

                    “And you have to say you’re dating if someone asks. Even Phoebe or Ross.”

                    “No!” Joey crossed his arms in defiance. “I’m _not_ kissing Chandler!”

                    “Again.” He hated himself immediately, but Chandler couldn’t help poking fun at his friend.

                    “Either you do it or you pay us.” Monica rubbed her fingers together.

                    Chandler and Joey exchanged glances once more, and thought of their empty wallets. “Okay, but you can’t say the words.”

                    “Alright,” Rachel nodded, “but if _you_ accidentally say the words, you still have to do it.”

                    “And you can’t tell anyone that we’re making you do this.”

                    “This is for…” Joey’s voice reached a high-pitched squeak. “This is for two weeks?”

                    “Wow, you won’t be able to have sex with a woman for two weeks. Unless she’s ok with you dating Chandler. Or she _is_ Chandler.” Monica rolled her eyes. “Boo-hoo.”

                    “Now,” Rachel sauntered over to the door and opened it. “Goodnight, lover boys, I’ve got a big day tomorrow, and though I’d love to take more money off of you, I need to get some rest.”

                    “What?” They asked, humiliation and anger forgotten completely.

                    “I’m getting interviewed to be a cashier at Bloomingdales tomorrow.”

                    “Oh, cool!” Chandler decided that was enough goodwill (humiliation and anger maybe not _completely_ dissipated), and roughly dragged Joey out by the arm.

                    “I bet you 10 dollars that they’re not going to make it for two weeks.” Rachel whirled around to face her roommate.

                    “No, no. I think they’ll make it.” Monica smirked. “If there’s anything they are, it’s penny-pinchers and stubborn asses.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey and Chandler discover that Monica and Rachel have an ulterior motive, and that the words "lamp" and "antique" are going to be coming up in regular conversation a lot more that they thought they would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so a bunch of people (my two beta-ers) asked "why the words 'lamp' and 'antique'?" Well, in chapter 2 (as promised, twice as long) you get to find out, and I just think that Phoebe would definitely date someone like that. Also, this is the chapter where Chandler starts freaking out.  
> Yet again, please comment and kudos at the bottom if you like it, it really makes my day! Chapter 3 soon, probably, because I have no life and about five hours of work I need to do.

**Chapter 2**

            Chandler didn't even know why he had come to Central Perk. A combination of self-hatred and habit, he supposed. He plopped down on the couch next to Joey, who was in the middle of telling Rachel a story about his latest audition as Romeo for _Romeo and Juliet_. Phoebe came in a little later, just as Joey was boasting of how well it went.

            “Hey, Pheebs, how was the date?” Chandler asked, just glad to get out of the story.

            “Oh! It was _wonderful_!” She threw herself onto the chair, setting her guitar to the side. “I just love Philip so much! First, we-”

            “Chandler and Joey quickly lost interest as Phoebe described their romantic, candlelit dinner, and were relieved when Monica came in to  “ooh” and “ah” along with Rachel over her love life. She was quickly followed by Ross, who was blabbering about some recent fossil discovery.

            “What does Philip do?” Monica shushed Ross, who looked quite dejected. “Is he, like, a doctor or a lawyer or something?”

            “Oh! That’s the best part!” She exclaimed. “He’s just _so_ artistic! He makes and sells… Antique-style lamps!”

            Rachel and Monica’s heads snapped to the side like a tennis ball being served by Serena Williams. Joey and Chandler turned a deep red. After a few seconds of the two staring at each other with nothing short of disgusted grimaces, Monica interrupted Phoebe’s train. “You know, Rach and I might be coming into some money soon-” Grimaces intensifying, Joey cupped Chandler’s face in his hands and pulled him close. When warm lips enclosed his, Chandler’s arms automatically reached out to grip his friend’s hips. Both surprisingly and horrifyingly, Chandler found that Joey was a really, _really_ good kisser, and his body didn't really seem to care that it was a guy, and, worse, Joey. Even when they pulled apart, Chandler felt like his lips were still on his, and hoped that his expression was not “extremely aroused” or “wow that was hot.” He was so disgusted with himself, that he hadn't noticed the dead silence of his friends.

            “What? Two buddies can’t kiss a little sometimes?” Joey removed his hands from Chandler’s face, and Chandler jerked his away from Joey’s hips. Dumbstruck looks were aimed at the two of them, and even Rachel and Monica seemed surprised that they had actually done it. Joey took a sip of coffee to hide his nervousness and seem more nonchalant, and nudged Chandler to do the same. Fumbling for the mug, he quietly sat back and awaited the responses.

            “I…” Phoebe arched her eyebrows. “I am… so-”

            “Are you dating?” Ross cut her off, getting a stink eye as his reward. “I just want to know. Are you dating?”

            “No,” Chandler snorted, trying to regain his usual, sarcastic attitude. “I’m locking lips with Joey because we’re just such _good_ friends.”

            “I’m so happy for you guys!” Phoebe nearly fell from her chair to wrap her arms around the two of them. She  quickly retreated, though, to pull a ten out of her purse and handed it to Rachel, just as Ross reluctantly did the same with Monica.

            “What?” Joey and Chandler exclaimed. “You made a bet between us getting together?” Chandler continued.

            “Yeah.” Phoebe seemed completely unabashed. “I didn't think you’d have the guts to tell each other that you loved each other for another few years at least.”

            “I, uh, never thought you guys had… Things for each other,” Ross supplied, then cleared his throat. “Well, um, when Joey moved out that one time, I sort of suspected it, because Chandler was doing the same thing he does when a girl dumps him, and, uh, Joey seemed real down. But other than that never.”

            “Come _on_.” Phoebe rolled her eyes. “It was just so _obvious_. I mean, their auras _completely_ lit up every time they were with each other. And not, like, the usual dash of pinkish yellow that you get when you’re with your friend, but the deep red of lovers.” She clasped her hands together. “Oh, it’s just so nice that you've finally found love!” She sniffed and narrowed her eyes. “Even though you _are_ tense.”

            “Well…” Joey scrambled for something to explain it. “It makes sense. Given that we just came out, right? Anyway, Monica, Rachel, can we talk to you?”

            “Of course!” The suppressed grins as Chandler and Joey led them a little ways away.

            “You made a bet?” Chandler hissed.

            “Yeah. Why else would we have you guys making out? We’re not mean like that.” Rachel laughed.

            “Then why are you having us do it for two weeks?” Joey spluttered.

            “Well…” Monica averted her gaze and bit her lips. “We didn't know when those words would come up in conversation. So we gave it two weeks!”

            Chandler and Joey narrowed their eyes and looked at each other. “You two knew, didn't you?”

            “Knew what?” Rachel feigned innocence.

            “That Phoebe’s boyfriend was an antique-style lamp seller, or whatever!” Joey hissed and waved his arms about, before realizing what he said. With a sigh, Chandler leaned over to kiss Joey. It wasn't as surprising as the first time, but he felt something pushing out of his stomach, and it took all his willpower not to do something stupid. Like kiss him again.

            “Okay, _maybe_ we knew.” Monica pursed her lips, and Joey felt a vein popping in his forehead.

            “Ok! Hey, guys!” Phoebe laughed into the microphone, strumming her guitar. “So, um, my two friends finally realized their love for each other, and I’m really excited to play this song, because I wrote it when I met them, and thought I’d only be able to play it in a couple years. It’s called ‘Gay Love.’ I hope you like it.”

            “Oh, god.” Chandler buried his face into his hands.

            “This is for you guys, Joey and Chandler!” Phoebe waved at the two of them, and every single eye in the cafe was on them.

            “Phoebe!” Ross grabbed her arm before she could start playing. “Maybe you should wait? It’s kind of a…” He looked at them with a contorted face. “...Big deal. Why don’t you play, uh, Smelly Cat, or something?”

            She gave a pout. “Okay. I’ll play Gay Love later.”

            “Chandler!” Joey whispered and patted his arm rapidly. “Time to go. I don’t like the looks we’re gettin’ from some people.” Chandler caught a look from a large man that wouldn’t look out of place in a wrestling arena, and nodded.

            “Ok, let’s go. Bye, guys!” They quickly waved to their friends and escaped unscathed, though they did hear muttered phrases like “I knew it,” “I always thought that Chandler guy was, but Joey?”, and “Gays are ruining America.”

            They rode back to the apartment in silence. Chandler couldn't get the idea that _holy fuck he just kissed Joey_ out of his head. Something kept on fluttering in his stomach and threatening to rise to his throat. He stared at Joey, and his fingers unconsciously ghosted over his own lips for the tenth time after the kiss. “This is ridiculous,” he chided himself silently. “I’m not gay. Joey’s not gay. I’m just not used to being kissed by a guy. Maybe I’m allergic to men, yeah, that’s it. I’m allergic to testosterone.” He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head.

“What’s that look?” Joey raised his eyebrows.

“What?” Chandler was snapped out of his reverie.

“You’re givin’ me this weird look. Kinda reminds me of that time you tried eatin’

calamari.”

            “I’m ju- I’m just surprised how you manage to get so many girls. You’re a _terrible_ kisser.”

            “Oh, really?” Joey grinned. He’d felt the weird, tense vibe from Chandler, and was glad he was back to normal. “If I’m a terrible kisser, you must be a potato!”

            “Babe, I thought you loved my technique!” Chandler fluttered his eyelashes, and the two laughed. The silence now broken, they pretended to forget about what they just did, and completely relaxed. When they watched _Baywatch_ that night, everything seemed just as before.

Okay, no, it _seemed_ like everything was normal, but Chandler spent the entire time looking at Yasmine, but thinking about Joey.

“Oh, hey, by the way!” Joey turned to Chandler. “I got a callback from my audition!”

“That’s awesome!” Chandler laughed and high-fived him. “Romeo, right?”

“Yeah! You wanna come to the first rehearsal tomorrow?”

Chandler regretted taking a gulp of beer, as he almost spit it out. “W-why?” Maybe Joey was asking him out on a date, and he was worried that he’d say yes.

Joey shrugged. “Well, you never come to my auditions, and I thought it would be nice if you came.” He judged Chandler’s confused look and sighed. “Ok, there’s these two hot women playing Juliet and Rosaline, Lorraine and Debbie. I asked Lorraine out, and she said she would only go if I found a date for Debbie.”

“Ah.” Chandler relaxed, but also felt nauseous. “Ok, just make sure not to kill yourself over her.” Joey chuckled, sort of surprising Chandler that he even got the joke. “Are they cute?”

Joey snorted and nodded. “Hell, yeah. And the rehearsals at noon tomorrow.”

Chandler smiled, and internally hoped that Juliet would turn out to be uninterested in Joey, or Rosaline was super ugly, or _why did he care_? Why the hell did he care about who Joey was dating? What was going on with him? It felt like something had reached into his chest and started pulling, which was a feeling he generally didn't even get with women. He probably had a cold. Or the flu. Or maybe atrial fibrillation. He felt a hand on his arm and nearly jumped up a foot in the air.

“What’s up with you tonight?” Joey narrowed his eyes. “Are you already seeing a woman? Is that it?”

“No, I’m just, uh… I’m drunk, that’s it, I’m going to bed, goodnight.” Chandler patted Joey’s arm and dashed into his room, slamming the door.

Joey pursed his lips, a smile breaking out over his face as he took another sip of beer. “Dork.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey secures a date with two women from his workplace, but Chandler isn't really feeling it. What he is feeling, though, is a lot of self-doubt and something a little more than friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if Chandler's revelation that he likes Joey seems a little rushed, but I wanted to do it by Valentine's day (by the way, happy Valentine's day!). But don't worry, he's going to have some doubts about it OwO. Also, Chapter 4 should be up really soon, because I've written a lot of it but I didn't want to combine it with this chapter or it'd be too long. Remember, leave comments, and I'm always open for suggestions!

**Chapter 3**

Chandler and Joey were surprised at how many times it was possible to say the words "lamp" and "antique" before noon (it was 7 for the first and 3 for the second - Chandler had counted). It was all Philips's - Phoebe's boyfriend's - fault. Him and his stupid antique store and his ridiculous, fish-shaped lamps. They were pleased to escape their friends, who were still having mixed reactions of "aww that's so cute" (Phoebe) and "awkward avoidance of contact, no I’m not homophobic, I just don’t see it." (Ross).

“You know, Joey,” Chandler smiled sarcastically, “you wanna tell people that we’re actually _not_ an item after the two weeks, right?”

Joey blinked in confusion. “Yeah. Duh. Think I _like_ dating you?”

Chandler was hurt for a moment. “Well, maybe when someone makes a joke about the size of my penis, you shouldn’t laugh and go ‘yeah, right.’”

“Why?” Joey shrugged. “I’ve seen you naked.”

“That was once!”

Joey tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. “Melissa, Laura, that time when our towels got burnt in a fire-”

“Okay, okay, I get your point.” Chandler waved him off with a snort. “Just don’t say something like that to Debrah-”

“Debbie.”

“Right, whatever.” Chandler looked out the window of the cab as they approached the theatre putting on _Romeo and Juliet_ , and grimaced at the churning feeling in his gut. Though he was used to the whole being nervous before a date, he had a sneaking suspicion that it was not nervousness but revulsion. At himself or the prospect of a date, he was still deciding. The broiling feel only intensified when they entered, and Chandler saw two beautiful women: a dirty blonde with hair that curled over her shoulders and blue eyes with lashes so long they seemed that they were actually weighing her down, and the other a taller brunette with luscious lips and hazel eyes. Both had breasts that Chandler refused to believe were real and low-cut dresses. One of them was going to be kissing Joey. Ugh.

Joey nodded with a widespread smirk on his face. “I know, right?” He had obviously mistaken Chandler’s distaste with surprise. “Mine’s the blonde.”

“Joey?” The blonde grasped his hand and shook it. “This is my best friend, Debbie.” She patted the brunette forward.

“How ya’-” The blonde elbowed her a little bit. “How are you doing?” She gave a charming smile and stuck out her hand.

“Yeah! This is _my_ best friend Chandler.” Chandler glumly shook her hand. “Ok, Chandler, we’ve gotta change, so you just sit in the audience and don’t bother people.”

Chandler nodded his assent and sprawled himself a few rows behind the director to mull over his strange attitude these past couple of days. If someone had said “oh, hey, I’m setting you up with this beautiful woman” three days ago, he would have been jumping about and hooting. Preferably when the woman couldn’t see him. Now, though, he didn’t feel a glimmer of attraction. It sort of reminded him of when he had an unrequited crush on a woman, but there was no other woman. Unless…

“Hey, you.” A bald, burly man that wouldn’t look out of place in the mafia turned in his seat to gesture at Chandler.

“Me?” All thoughts flew from his head.

“Yeah. Are you datin’ that Joey guy?”

Force of habit caused him to say, “Yes,” and he cursed his brain for speaking without thinking.

“Oh, good. We don’t want any random folks wanderin’ in here. So if you’re datin’ him that means we ain’t gonna kick you out.” The director shifted in his seat again, and all at once knew why he was acting so weird, and why he was hating on those two beautiful women. His fears were confirmed when Joey walked onto stage. His hair was mussed, he was wearing a button-up with the collar pushed up, the top buttons unbuttoned, and the sleeves only rolled down three-fourths of the way, and his pants were very, _very_ tight.

He was in love with Joey.

His heart was pounding so hard it seemed like it was trying to tell a knock-knock joke but no one was listening. His throat constricted, and Chandler thought he was going to fall out of his chair. “I’m _not_ gay,” he hissed to himself, trying to placate his chaotic emotions.

“Like it?” Joey hopped down from the stage and did a little twirl as if he wanted to kill Chandler.

“You look like a dork.” Chandler tried to swallow, but the large stone in his throat was preventing that.

“No, I look like John Travolta from _Grease_. And chicks _dig_ John Travolta.” Joey nodded giddily, and was summoned back on to rehearse. Chandler didn’t disagree with the first nor the second statement.

The next few hours were quite boring, even though Chandler was going through a revelation. He quickly convinced that this was some sort of fluke, because he was “sure as fuck” that he wasn’t gay; he was just getting a bad vibe from the women, and he was so sexually frustrated that he would like kissing anyone, even Joey. Despite this, after rehearsal (Chandler was momentarily disappointed that Joey had changed out of the costume) when they went to dinner, Chandler paid barely any attention to Debbie. Dinner was at a romantic Italian restaurant, with flowers and candles decorating every table. Joey and Lorraine quickly struck up conversation, but Chandler didn’t really find his date interesting. And it wasn’t her personality or her face, no, on the contrary. She almost reminded him of Joey, which then made him think about his “fluke,” which in turn made him retreat into his mind or stare at Joey. Chandler sort of recognized that his date was getting pretty pissed off, and once or twice tried making lame conversation. The worst part of the evening, though, was near the end. Debbie made some sort of remark, and without paying attention, Chandler responded with “Oh, yeah, that’s great.”

The entire table went silent, and Chandler recognized he was in a _lot_ of trouble from the fury emanating from Debbie. “I just told you about my dog. Who died a couple weeks ago. After he was hit by a car.”

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry!” Chandler reached out to pat her hand and placate her, but she threw her napkin on the table and jumped up.

“You know what? Screw this. I’m leaving. You’re more interested in your roommate than you are with me.” She flipped him off and rushed out of the restaurant.

“Good job, buddy.” Joey rolled his eyes. “I get you a hot date, and you make her flip you off- hey, where are you going?” He turned to Lorraine.

“She’s my friend! I’ve got to go comfort her.”

“No! No, no, no!” Joey guided her back into her seat. “It wasn’t your fault that my roommate’s a dick.” Chandler grumbled something about being right there. “And we haven’t even ordered dessert yet!” He winked, and Lorraine giggled, agreeing to stay _at least_ for dessert. Chandler was put into an awkward position, and decided to stay too. Might as well eat some food. They didn’t even get to dessert, though, and Chandler could tell that the two were just aching to get into each other’s pants. He had to endure a twenty minute taxi ride where the two of them were getting really handsy (and regretted getting that second bottle of wine for them as a “sorry I made your friend cry”), and had to pull them out of the cab so that they wouldn’t just fuck each other right there. When they got into the apartment, Lorraine barreled into Joey’s room, but Joey took a few seconds to turn to Chandler.

“Thanks for that second bottle of wine.” He winked and followed the woman into the bedroom. A knife twisted itself into Chandler’s heart, and all of his cleverly placed walls fell down. “I’m not gay!” He repeated to himself. “No, but you love Joey,” another voice spoke up inside of him, and Chandler knew it was true. He fell onto his bed and covered his face with a pillow, groaning into it. Of course, the universe had decided to punish the one time he felt really in love. "You know what?" He mimicked the universe. "Why don't we make Chandler fall in love. With his _straight_ , _best_ friend. That seems like a good-" he was cut off by a sharp giggle from the adjoining room. "Oh, fuck," he muttered. Damn these thin walls. For the next half hour, Lorraine was loudly and ... Voraciously agreeing with Joey. There was a few moments of silence and the door slammed. If Chandler knew anything about his roommate, it was that he'd eat for the next quarter hour before resuming, so he quickly closed his eyes and prayed that he'd get to sleep before round two.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chandler breaks Joey and Lorraine up, then Chandler and Joey need to break up. Phoebe and Joey have a deep talk about established feelings, but Joey doesn't want to do anything about them. Chandler's daddy issues resurface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chandler's daddy issues show up? It's not like this has been done a bajillion times! Anyway, this seems soon, but we all know that Chandler is flaky, so, who knows? Maybe we'll have a bunch of angsty chapters. Or a bunch of chapters where they're trying to keep it a secret! I really don't know. Also that Mondler and Joey/Rachel (Jachel??? Roey???) jab: I think Mondler was too forced, and, even though the show made it look cute and happy, I have to agree with Phoebe's distaste and confusion over it. And for Jachel... I just don't get it. If you ship it, that's cool, though. Sorry for the weird paragraph things. I'm writing it in google docs, so when I transfer it to AO3 it messes it up. Last point (phew! This is a long one): thanks for all the kudoses and positive comments! Keep 'em coming! If you really love me write your own fanfiction. I have a desperate need for more Chanoey which cannot be quenched by my own meager writings.

**Chapter 4**

The morning wasn't much of a relief either. Chandler meandered out of his bedroom to find Lorraine perched on the chair by the counter, wearing an oversized, plaid button up, that he recognized as Joey's special morning after shirt. Joey was wearing jeans and an apron. Only that. Chandler wanted to either rip his own eyes out or kiss him. He was making waffles, which was bad, because waffles were his long term relationship food.

"Morning," he sighed to the woman, who just eyed him apathetically. Chandler didn't really blame her, considering last night, but wow she could be a little nicer.

"Morning!" Joey cheerfully replied. "Sorry you couldn't, well, ya know." He jerked his head to the woman who gave a charming, though slightly uncomfortable, smile right back.

"Don't worry." Chandler grinned mirthlessly. "I heard enough to feel like I did."

Debbie turned scarlet, but Joey just nodded as if he was proud of himself, and opened his mouth to detail last night. "Hey!" She started, trying to get off the subject of sex, just as Chandler leaned over the counter to grab a waffle. "I really like this, er..." She searched the room for an inconspicuous, normal object. "Lamp!" Chandler saw what played out as if in slow motion, even though it only took a second. His hand diverged from its path to the waffle, and grabbed the nape of Joey's neck. The voice in his brain was yelling at him to stop, but, like Pavlov's dog he had been conditioned. It was such a quick, chaste peck that Chandler hoped that neither of them had noticed, but, alas, they had.

"Why?" Joey spluttered. "Why would you do that? Monica and Rachel aren't even here!"

"What the hell?" Lorraine pushed herself up from the chair, a snarl on the edge of her voice. "I can't believe this is happening again."

"Again?" Both men chimed.

"I dated a man who ended up being gay, and- I don't know why I'm telling you this." She gave a laugh that was more like an angry exhalation of breath. "What are you? The sort of guy that sticks it into whatever woman is walking around just to be in denial?"

Chandler almost said "you're half right," but managed to have some semblance of self-control. "We're not- no." He shook his head rapidly. "That was just a friend kiss. Like a kiss goodmorning! Don't you do that with your friends? Just-" he floundered for another excuse.

"No, yeah, Chandler and I are straight." He laughed. "Well, I am at least."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Chandler and Lorraine shouted, whirling on Joey.

"It was just a joke! Baby, come on-" he tried hugging her, but she stepped back.

"I should've known the moment I saw the moisturizer in the bathroom."

"No, no, no." Chandler turned to her. "That's actually mine, but I always hide it in a drawer- Joey, have you been using my moisturizer?"

Joey shrugged, red touching his cheeks. "It makes my cheeks soft."

"You know what? I'm leaving." She snorted. "I can't believe I fell for this again. Deb was right." She stormed back into Joey's bedroom and gathered up her clothes, leaving the plaid shirt on the ground.

"Lorraine, wait!" He tried grabbing her shoulder just as she was leaving.

"Shove a dick up your ass! Though, I guess that isn't much of a punishment." She slammed the door and Joey sat himself down in the stool.

"I am so, so sorry man." Chandler gathered his friend into a hug, ignoring the feeling of his skin against his own, and the annoying fact that he liked it.

"Shh!" Joey darted over to the door and looked down the hallway. "Haha!" He jumped up and down and smacked Chandler's shoulder. "There's no need to act anymore!"

"What?" Chandler was flabbergasted. Either Joey had gotten a _lot_ better at hiding his emotions from Chandler, or he was genuinely happy.

"You know? Kissing me to help me break up with her?"

"I thought those were long term relationship waffles!" Though "long term" was quite a relative amount of time.

"No! Those were lettin' her down easy waffles." Joey nodded vigorously. "You didn't kiss me accidentally, right? You sensed that I didn't like her, right?"

"Yes! Of course! I did not accidentally kiss you." He nodded, but really wanted to add "unless you want me to."

"This is perfect!" Joey looked like a five year old who just discovered candy. "I've already been using you as an excuse to get out of relationships-"

"What?" Chandler thought he'd throw up.

"Yeah! Everyone thinks you're gay already, so whenever I break up with girls I just tell 'em I'm dating you." He grinned and slapped Chandler's back. "Well, not always, but sometimes. It's worked seven out of eight times."

Chandler wondered what that eighth girl was thinking. "Wait, then why did you protest when she tried leaving?"

Joey knit his brows together in a perfect face of sympathy. "You really don't know anything about girls, do you? If I said 'fine,' she'd think I was playing hard to get and want me even more! This way I sounded pathetic!"

"Hey!" The two men heard Rachel as she opened the door. "Who was that woman in the hallway crying?"

“My date.” Joey grinned. “Hot, right?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point. _Mon_!” The other woman rushed into their apartment. “You have to pay us 100$ now.”

“No, we don’t!” Chandler scoffed. “She didn’t ask us if we were dating, so we didn’t say that we were dating. Until this morning.”

“Yeah. Chandler kissed me. Sent her running right off.” Joey waved his arm. “But I didn’t like her, so it was cool.”

“Okay, okay, okay. New rule.” Monica folded her arms. “You can’t date women when you’re pretending to date!”

“Unless it’s a threesome,” Rachel piped up. “Tell ‘em you’re trying to spice up your sex life.”

“Oh, yeah? And how will you know?” Joey thrust his chest out as if trying to assert dominance.

“Well, we get up earlier than you, we see when you get home, and we can generally hear when women run out of your apartment crying and saying ‘fuck men.’” Rachel and Monica sniggered and high fived, before leaving the two men alone.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Hey, Joey!” Phoebe waved him over to the neon yellow couch she was perched on. The two were in Tea for Two - an herbal tea shop located a few blocks away from Central Perk - for their monthly gab session. They met up here alone other times too, they just didn’t call it one of their “official” meetings. Phoebe looked affectionately upon her friend, stumbling over how to order passion fruit green tea with a dash of honey without looking feminine. She knew that Joey and she were soul mates. Not in the romantic sort of way, but in the way that her soul was old, whilst Joey’s was brand new, and she was going to be his mentor in this lifetime and the next ones. At least, that’s what her psychic sense was telling her.

“Pheebs, we really need to talk-” He took the floral-patterned mug with a bit of a blush, and seated himself next to Phoebe.

“I know! You’re dating Chandler! You did it!” She patted his shoulder. “We always talked about your crush, but, I mean, I didn’t think you’d have the courage to tell him for, like, another few years, at least. That’s why I bet money against you, don’t get so mad! Now you’re finally Chanoey!”

Joey pursed his lips and gazed into his tea uncomfortably. “Well, I didn’t.”

“Huh?” Phoebe tilted her head.

“We’re not _actually_ dating.” Joey explained the result of the horrendous poker game. “And it’s torture, ya know? Getting to kiss him, and date him, but knowing that at the end of the two weeks - what day is it? _Tomorrow_? I have to give it all up. It sucks!” He pouted and sipped his tea. “Last week, I tried getting us dates, but Chandler totally bombed, and I ended up sleeping with mine.”

Phoebe laughed. “So, you’re saying, that you tried to get you and _your crush_ dates. While you’re fake dating each other. Do you think that sleeping with women will give Chandler the signal that you like him? ‘Cause, boy, do you have another thing coming.”

“No! I was trying to get my mind off the fact that Chandler’s straight. And I wanted to do him a favor.” Joey didn’t seem to remember that Chandler had been staring at _him_ the entire date, and didn’t think of telling it to Phoebe. “You’re psychic, why don’t you read his mind and tell me what I need to do to…” He waved his arms.

“Seduce him?” Phoebe pursed her lips. People that used sarcasm and jokes as a defense mechanism and people with traumatic childhood experiences like Chandler were always so hard to read, and she said as much to Joey. “You should just tell him you like him! Stop acting like a 12 year old!”

“He’s straight, Phoebe!”

She snorted. “Right, listening to the soundtrack of _Annie_ while telling your friend that she ‘scored’ and her date is so hot that you could ‘fry an egg on his abs’ is something a straight man does.”

Joey narrowed his eyes. “Monica, Rachel, or you?”

“Actually, he walked in on us talking about Monica’s new boyfriend, and he ended up getting a manicure with us.”

“Well, that doesn’t mean he’s _gay_. I mean, look at me.” Joey smirked. “I’m the manliest man there is, and I like men.”

“Too,” Phoebe supplied. “You like them too.”

“We’re getting off topic. What do I do?”

“Just tell him how you feel!”

“No!” Joey retreated into his mug, and Phoebe realized she wasn’t going to get anything out of him at this rate, so decided to distract him.

“Did you hear that Ross and Rachel ended up dating the same bisexual guy, except Ross thought he was a girl?”

“No. Freaking. Way.”

Meanwhile, Chandler was at work, unbeknownst to the fact that Joey and Phoebe had been discussing him. In fact, he was thinking nearly the same thing. Tomorrow, this hellish ordeal was going to end, but he didn’t want it to. He wanted Phoebe to keep on dating Philip, who just continued to pop in and talk about antiques and lamps, and he wanted to continue to feel Joey’s oh-so-soft lips on his. It had taken him over a week to come to this realization without trying to fight it off, but he loved Joey. Which was stupid, because Joey was obviously straight, and even if he wasn’t, why would he want to date someone like Chandler? He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, as if to erase these thoughts from his head, but all that happened was he almost poked his eyes out when Doug came in to ask for some reports.

The next day, Chandler and Joey put on eager faces and pretended to be just so excited to end it. “We can tell people we’re not dating, right?” Joey asked Monica and Rachel.

“Yes.” Rachel and Monica looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

“Oh, thank God!” Chandler snorted from the door of the delightfully purple apartment. “Dating Joey was the hardest thing I ever had to do.” No pun intended, he mentally added.

“Hey, if you had to date a guy, I’m a pretty good choice.” Joey pointed at his body. “Plus, I couldn’t sleep with a woman for two weeks! For you, that’s normal, but I think this is a new record!”

“You know, I can’t argue with that. I’m just glad it’s over.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Come on! It wasn’t that bad!” Monica folded her arms. “I mean, if I had to date Rachel for two weeks it would be pretty fun!”

“Yeah! And it would be basically what we’re doing now plus kissing.” Rachel shrugged.

Joey tried to make a lewd comment, but Ross and Phoebe came in right then. “Oh. Hey, guys,” Ross mumbled.

“Are you still not ok with this?” Chandler sighed in exasperation.

“It’s not that I’m not ok with it!” Ross defended. “It’s just that it’s sort of weird. I didn’t think of you guys as gay. Well, Chandler I sort of did. And watching your best friends date is weird. Like, imagine if Chandler started dating Monica, or Joey Rachel.”

Everyone turned their noses up at that - no two couples were more unsuited for each other.

“Well, surprise, we’re actually not dating,” Joey said.

“Yeah, Rachel and Monica _made_ us.” Chandler went on to explain what happened, and Ross and Phoebe demanded their money back from the stubborn women.

“Ha! I knew it!” Ross grinned. “You two would never date! You are straight, manly men!”

“Yeah!” Joey chuckled and stole a quick glance to the disapproving Phoebe.

            “Well, uhm, I have to do something, for, uh, work.” Chandler clapped his hands together, lying. “So, bye guys. I’m not gay!” He backed out of the apartment and slumped against the wall. Why was he so sad that he had lost something that he never had? He proposed that going to a bar at three p.m. was not a bad idea, and sluggishly exited the building.

            Joey, too, was disappointed that the charade was over. Not even the prospect of getting pizzas was cheering him up. Everyone just chalked it down to the fact that he hadn’t slept with a woman in two weeks, and was sexually frustrated, but Phoebe knew, and tried subtly consoling him. The usual shenanigans of the group unfolded: The story of Alex, the bisexual, feminine guy, was revealed to the group. Everyone made fun of Ross, Rachel got a little drunk and proposed a threesome, drama, suspense, blah, blah, blah. One of Phoebe’s clients was a prostitute with “the best stories, you would not believe what sort of kinks people have.” Joey let his mind wander to Chandler and his own feelings. He really should listen to Phoebe and just tell Chandler his feelings, but he didn’t have the courage. Everyone from his closest friend to someone that had just met him knew that Chandler was skittish and had issues. Just so many issues. If Chandler didn’t like him back, then he would run and never stop running until the ends of the earth. Their entire friendship, ruined just like that. However, he couldn’t wait for Chandler to make the first move. He remembered that once it took a year of a beautiful girl obviously hitting on him for Chandler to make a move, and Joey was neither a beautiful girl nor obviously hitting on him.

            The next few days were hell. Chandler would go to work all day, come home for half an hour, then go straight off to a bar. Joey was convinced he had started smoking too, but the only evidence he had was the slight smell of nicotine on Chandler’s body as he drunkenly staggered into the bathroom to throw up. And he was always too hammered to answer him.

            Two weeks after the reveal meant two weeks of Chandler coming home after twelve and two weeks of barely saying a word to any of his friends. Joey resolved to stay in the barcalounger until Chandler came home so that he could confront him, but it was two in the morning and Joey was contemplating facing him in the morning because Chandler still wasn’t home. It was at this point when a woman in a short, black cocktail dress, bright red lipstick, and black stilettos lurched into the apartment. Quick inspection revealed to Joey one thing:

            “Chandler?” He shouted.

            “Joe!” He slurred, floundering forward and would have tumbled down if Joey hadn’t stood up and caught him. “You’re so shtrong.” He patted his bicep and nodded.

            “Chandler, what’s going on?” Joey laid him down on the couch and grabbed a cup of water. “How drunk are you?”

            “Well,” Chandler blinked dumbly. “I shtarted drinkin’ at… Four! And now it’s…” He counted on his fingers. “Two. But! I shtopped drinkin’ at one, I think. I drank _a lot_.” He chuckled.

            “Why are you wearing a dress? Where are your clothes? Chandler, I was worried!”

            He giggled. “Aw, you were worried! How s-sweet. I’m wearing a dress, because I’m just like my dad.” He nodded rapidly. “Yup! If I like men _now_ , I’ll pro-ly be going into my drag queen phase shoon, so why not speed it up?” He tried getting off the couch to show the dress off to Joey, but collapsed back down. “I _did_ get a lot of free drinks, though. Yup. From guys _and_ girls.”

            Joey was flabbergasted and had no idea where to begin, so he sat back down to the couch. “Wait! Men? You like men?” Even though it was a serious situation, he couldn’t help but feel a rising sense of happiness at that.

            “Not just men! I like you!” Chandler tapped Joey’s nose, and the movements threatened to topple him out of his seat. “I wanna make out with you, but you don’t reci- recpi- repcirpotac- you don’t like me back!”

            “Of course I like you back!” The words tumbled out of Joey’s mouth before he could stop them, though why he still hesitated he didn’t know.

            “You- you do?” Chandler blinked, momentarily stunned back to sobriety. “Like, romantically? Why- why would you like _me_?”

            “Of course!” Joey roughly grabbed his shoulders. “Of course, I like you! I like your face, your body, your sweater vests, the fact that you hum musical soundtracks when you think no one is looking-”

            Chandler’s hands snaked their way to Joey’s neck and pulled him close. They had kissed before, but this was different. The smell of booze and smoke pervaded Joey’s nostrils, and there was an unleashed torrent of passion from both of them. This was a kiss that meant something other than the fact that someone had said “lamp.” Hands left his neck and went to unbutton his shirt, and, though Joey would have loved that, he couldn’t do it.

            “No.” Joey gently broke away from Chandler, and almost didn’t have the strength when Chandler gave a real live whine that went straight to Joey’s dick. “You’re drunk, it’s two in the morning-”

            “Isn’t that how you normally do it?” Chandler smiled sarcastically.

            “Yeah, when it isn’t someone I lo- like a lot.” Joey turned crimson, and stood up, pulling the unsteady Chandler up with him. “Let’s get you into pajamas.” He nodded blearily and allowed Joey to help him get out of his dress and into a pair of flannel pants and a baggy T-shirt. “You’re good?” Joey made sure Chandler got into bed.

            “Yeah.” He made to leave, but Chandler grabbed his wrist. “Um, will you stay?”

            “Chandler, I’m not going to have sex with you when you’re this drunk-”

            “No! I mean, just… Just stay.” His pleading eyes won Joey over, and he crawled into the bed. Chandler hugged Joey, burying his nose into Joey’s shoulder and inhaling the scent of warmth and of home. Also of pizza.


End file.
